My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
