Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
