dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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