a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
40s are totally the cure
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
And then he peed in my hair
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