First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
