i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
