Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
