Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
