The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
