I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
