i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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