Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
