Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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