What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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