Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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