sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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