I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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