everyone is single if you try hard enough
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
