Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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