Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
