Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
