I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
