mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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