do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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