I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
as a side note pls kill me
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
