I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
