Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
