Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
