i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
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I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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