After last night, I could never be a politician.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
