I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
His nipple licking is glorious
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