You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
