i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
