so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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