And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
