Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
don't judge my taste in strippers
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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