Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
