friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
