Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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