my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
