when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
