I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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