i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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