hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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