i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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