At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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