none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
