I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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