you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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