I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
