i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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