update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
