You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
