I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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