we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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