I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
