It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
