Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
