i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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