Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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